Beggars can indeed be choosers

Single? Looking for The One? Cannot be asked with the usual courting rituals?

Then maybe you're perfect for Take Me Out (ITV1), the softcore gangbang where thirty women fight over a man and he fights for them. Hosted by the very regional Paddy McGuiness, Greggs enthusiast, this show is scraping the bottom of the barrel.

The first round consists of the bachelor introducing himself and on the mere basis of his looks, his name and his location, the ladies reject him if they wish. You might as well have looked at a personal ad to get all that information. Then he either demonstrates a talent or tries to charm the women. One guy took his shirt off and did backflips. Pub entertainment. Then another guy blew bubbles in his milk and burped the alphabet. Not really, but it would have been better than comparing a women to wine, which did happen. I actually didn't know women and wine could both be spicy. Shows what I know.

Then we see a video clip of somebody else talking about the bachelor, usually in a way that will put the women off, such as being a Mickey Mouse fan or being high maintenance. I wonder if these friends knew they were talking about him for a dating show or were just talking behind his back and somebody caught it on camera. Then comes in the intolerably cruel portion where the man starts rejecting the women. Some with a casual look, others with a very deep "I'm so sorry," as he realises he can only pick two women that he thinks are fit.

I wondered why anybody would go on these shows. There are some women who may not be as attractive as others in this vain society, others are incredibly common and boring, but there seem to be a few reasonably good looking women. Why are they on there? Why can't they get a date? There must be something wrong with them, perhaps mentally. A phobia of skin, screaming whenever they see the colour green, something along those lines. I'm sure there is one that secretly murders her boyfriends. And then there are the men, also mental. One of these weeks contestants, Oliver, was somebody who I would associate with caviar, lobster and Boycie. If Boycie was twice the prick he usually was. He eventually ended up with a date by default as she must have forgotten to turn off her light and reject him.

Conveniently, everybody on the show does have something in common. They must be all desperate to go on a show like this with a slim chance of a date at "Fernando's", the resident restaurant for all the dates. These people must have had bad experiences with traditional relationships, attempted murder or insurance fraud somewhere. Trying to get into your will and then trying to kill you. All that jazz.

For the sake of humankind, just try to get a date by your lonesome, instead of applying for this tripe. Or, much easier, just ask Paddy McGuiness out. He looks more desperate than the contestants to be on this show.